Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
