He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
