Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
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