Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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