I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
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Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
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We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.