My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan