my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
