I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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