Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
