Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
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I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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