I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
