I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
either way he was missing a nipple.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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