That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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