there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Are my feet made of real feet?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
