I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
