you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
