so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
