u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
