I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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