Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
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Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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