Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
