I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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