I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
