found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
