Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
