He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
