im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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