she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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