You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
