In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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