I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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