im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
