i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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