I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
