What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
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