Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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