Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
