Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
