God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
