i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho