dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?