i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight