You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
