You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
