I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
