Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin