I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
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I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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