He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
