she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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