I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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