I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.