1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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