Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
there was a trapeze. enough said
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
