Nicole vs. Life
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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