I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The Olympian is in my bed
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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