and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
