Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Soap is not a condiment
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
