2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
